Highlights From The 2014 Oscars

So the Oscars are officially over, and we can stop stressing about who wore what and who won what and who fucked what. Spoiler alert, Clooney fucked everyone. Now, if you follow me on the Twitters, you know that I went on a live-Tweeting rampage. I apologize for that, but I am so very alone. But now that we're a day removed from Hollywood's biggest circle jerk, I thought I'd look at what was good, what was bad, and what needs to go. Unfortunately, since the Oscars won't be uploading the acceptance speeches to Youtube, we're out of luck when it comes to actually watching them. So just use your imagination and believe, because isn't that what the Oscars is all about?

THE GOOD

Ellen was a Great Fucking Host

The most famous people in the world taking a selfie

Coming off how incredibly mediocre last years Oscars were, Ellen seemed like a very safe choice to host. She was great her first time around, seven years ago, and this time was no exception. I think the key to her being such a great host is the fact that she's universally liked by fans and all the celebrities in the room. Just look at how awesome this selfie that Ellen took is. Any time you can crash Twitter, you can consider yourself having done a great job.

Her monologue was typical Ellen fare, not going too off the reserve with her jokes, and not singing about actresses boobs, unlike a previous host who will not be named. She was incredibly funny and engaging, riffing on Jennifer Lawrence falling at the Oscars last year, and then again this year when she got out of her car. Also, a fantastic dig at Liza Minnelli and and jokes like "Here's Michael B. Jordan and Kristen B. Ell" are things that will always win my heart. Ordering pizza for people is also a big plus in my books. The only negative to this was that Michael Fassbender was nominated and, unlike when people thought he was going to be nominated for Shame, no one mentioned the giant F. Assbender he has in his pants. 

We are all Kevin Spacey, the President of Space. Thank you internet.

Lupita Nyong'o and Jared Leto Gave Great Speeches

Jared Leto telling 30 Seconds to Mars to suck his dick

I just want to preface by saying that I think the first half of Jared Leto's acceptance speech is completely wonderful. Thanking his mom for raising him right on her own and making a good life for their family, and his brother for being his best friend and when it was genuine, it was fantastic. I didn't really care for the whole "This is for all the dreamers out there" mostly because it comes across as phony as anything Anne Hatheway does in public. That being said, he's really grown on me, as an actor, person and Man-Lion.

Lupita owning it

I think the speech that Lupita Nyong'o gave was the best of the whole night. Not only did she thank everyone associated with the movie, from the other actors, to the director, writer and even the editing guys. You could tell how genuinely happy and excited she was. I wish more speeches were like this, and not just a laundry list of management to thank for getting the role. She's quickly become someone who I really like, and I'm hoping that this boosts her career sooner rather than later. Side note: Did anyone know she is 31? I thought she was like 22 or something. Insane how young being awesome makes you look.

Some Presenters Were Too Good to Forget

I loved Jim Carrey coming on stage at the Oscars and instantly noting that he's been snubbed majorly twice, without ever directly saying it. Then he looked right at Bruce Dern and did the best Bruce Dern impression ever seen. That was hilarious and well done, and they should have had Carrey just start doing impressions of other nominees.

Jamie Foxx was also pretty funny fucking up his prompter reading, then instantly recovering before launching into a random riff, that he started soundtracking. Jessica Biel didn't know whether to join in, stay professional or yell at the Academy about how there was a Stealth reunion happening on stage.

Also, Bill Murray is awesome and instantly makes this list for being Bill Fucking Murray. It also helps that he gave a shoutout to the late great Harold Ramis. Apparently after Groundhog Day, Murray and Ramis had a pretty big falling out, and didn't speak for years, so it was a great gesture for him to do that.

THE MCCONAUSSANCE IS COMPLETE

You know what a fugazi is? It's my Oscar, Leo

Even though his speech was just alright.. alright alright, I love Matthew McConaughey so god damn much. I love the fact that he called himself 10 years in the future his hero. I think it means he constantly strives to be better, which is great to hear. I mean, hearing he had the same thought when he made Failure To Launch doesn't exactly compute, but he has an Oscar, and he should win a fucking Grammy for that scene directly above.

Special Mention: Sidney Poitier for being a bad ass, being an amazing actor, getting all cozy with Angelina Jolie, and reading the prompter with so much gravitas that they should have nominated you right there for 2015.

THE BAD

Adela Dazeem

John Travolta was supposed to introduce Idena Menzel to sing Let It Go from Frozen. Instead, he decided to forget English because Scientology and I couldn't stop laughing. And because the internet is wonderful, there was an Adela Dazeem twitter account within five minutes.

The Montages

What the hell was up with all the montages last night? Listen, I understand the theme was heroes and all that stuff, but man those montages took an eternity and there seemed to be an endless amount of them. I get having them from the Best Picture nominees, but that's pushing it. Having a montage for animated movies, then for biopics, then for action movies, then other bullshit. Why not have a montage for actors wearing silly hats, or Kevin James falling down or farting in a movie? I've been told the Kevin James montage would actually be three hours long.

The Amount of Singing

Darlene Love making the most of her 15 minutes

What was up with all the singing this year? On top of four performances of the Best Original Song nominees, we also had P!NK sing over top of, guess what, a montage of people accepting lifetime achievement Oscars. Talk about way too many in the stink. I'd much rather see Steve Martin and Angela Lansbury give acceptance speeches than listen to P!NK anymore. Or ever again. Why is she at the Oscars and I'm not?

Speaking of singing for no reason, I love Bette Midler, but god damn, why have her sing after the In Memoriam segment? Why not during, so it wasn't just a silent slideshow of dead people? And also the most cliche song choices ever. Seriously, I get the theme is heroes, but "Wind Beneath My Wings" was cringe worthy. 

If you look at it without sound, it just looks like she's sneezing theatrically

Wanna know what else was cringe worthy? Darlene Love singing her gratitude during the acceptance speech for 20 Feet From Stardom. Yeah, it's a fantastic, crowd pleasing documentary, but please don't sing your songs at the Oscars. I'm as big a drama, musical geek as the next person, but it was so awkward and weird. Why can she belt out a ballad at the Oscars and be applauded, but when I do it on the bus, they tell me to get off?

Finally, I thought the musical numbers for the Best Original Song were pretty garbage. I'm not saying the songs themselves, because Let It Go is amazing, and The Moon Song is so beautiful and works perfectly in the movie, and Happy is a total crowd please. The U2 song was pretty mediocre, and the fact that nothing from Inside Llewyn Davis was nominated still makes me mad. That U2 song is to music, what my singing in the shower is to music. Honestly, aside from Happy, which was super fun to watch and see everyone get into it including Meryl Streep, Lupita Nyong'o and Amy Adams, all the rest were super bland. But seriously though, how freaking gorgeous is Amy Adams? Her sexy dance certainly doesn't help things.

In love with her

Make It Shorter

Listen, there's no reason why this show should be four hours long. You could easily take an hour off the show by not showing me Best Animated Short Film. They should have replaced that category with Best Adapted Hairstyle. Brad Pitt had Macklemore's hair, Jared Leto has Jesus hair and John Travolta was apparently trying to get cast in American Hustle 2.

So that's all I got. Thank goodness I won't be talking about the Oscars anymore, because honestly, I'm tired of it. Hopefully I'll be nominated for one next year, and if that's the case, then you'll never hear from me again, because I'm vain and will want to rub elbows with millionaires. If it isn't the case, which it most likely won't be, then I'll watch the Oscars next year with chocolate ice cream and sadness again. Till next time, kids.

Just keep livin'