Hamza's Top Ten Films of 2013 (5-1)

With the Oscars coming up fairly soon, and having seen the films from 2013 that I really wanted to see, I figured it was time to make a top ten list. These are my favourite films from the past year, and had some connection with me. Yeah, I'll probably highlight the performances in most of them, but whatever. I did the first half of the list ( Here's my top five from 2013. Enjoy, bitches.

5. The World's End

Any time a movie attempts to go for big laughs and can succeed, not just with well written jokes, but with fucking amazing physical comedy, then that's a movie I will love. It doesn't hurt that I could describe Edgar Wright's entire filmography that way. The thing that The World's End does better than any of his previous films, however, is that it combines all the best aspects of his previous films into one great piece of cinema. Written by Wright, along with star Simon Pegg, the film features some of the best laugh out loud moments of the year, with all five lead actors getting a chance to showcase their range.

And it certainly helps that Wright may be the best action director in Hollywood right now. The way that he choreographs his action, whether it's parodying the Bad Boys movies in Hot Fuzz, or giving us video game style action in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Wright knows how to shoot it. This is no exception, as he seemlessly weaves comedy and action into a lot of the scenes. Nick Frost, in particular, is given some truly badass moments, including delivering a Bane-esque backbreaker to a Blank, and delivering the People's Elbow as well.

I think that this movie also showcases the most fully formed characters in the Cornetto Trilogy, as each character has a distinct story that adds a believableness to their friendships and fallings out. Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine and Rosamund Pike are all fantastic throughout the story, and Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are as brilliant as ever, giving some of the best drunk performances seen on film. I want to give special notice to Eddie Marsan though, because, not only is he great here, but he is by far the best part of the show Ray Donovan. Any time a British actor has a more convincing Boston accent than Liev Schrieber or Jon Voight, you take notice. Anyways, all these characters are simultaneously hilarious, real, honest and heartbreaking, making The World's End a fitting end to a perfect trilogy.

4. 12 Years A Slave

Of all the movies on this list, 12 Years A Slave is easily the hardest film to get through. Not because it's any kind of a bad film, but because it's a film that deals with subject matter that will make you very uncomfortable. Watching the brutality that takes places here is much harder to watch than any Saw or torture porn movie because these things actually happened. We see Solomon tortured and beaten and degraded beyond belief, as he is treated as human garbage. 

I don't often try to champion movies as being "important" because, at the end of the day, they are meant to entertain. But 12 Years A Slave pushes beyond that and will force you to confront the fact that these awful things happened. It's not hard to feel awful watching this, and I think that's the intention, because we shouldn't be okay with watching what used to happen to so many people. A lot of credit has to go to director Steve McQueen, a master of the uncomfortable film with Hunger and Shame under his belt, and writer John Ridley for crafting this riveting film from Solomon Northup's story.

The one thing that all Steve McQueen's movies have in common is that the acting is phenomenal, and this is no exception. The ensemble, featuring strong supporting performances from Scoot McNairy, Michael K. Williams, Paul Giamatti, Alfre Woodard and Brad Pitt. Even though a lot of those actors are relegated to a scene or two, they are great. To a larger extent, Paul Dano, Sarah Paulson, Benedict Cumberbatch also do very strong work in expanded roles. But the best performances come from Michael Fassbender, Lupita Nyong'o and, of course, Chiwetel Ejiofor. Fassbender is the embodiment of evil, conflicted with his attraction to Patty, while maintaining his beliefs, and Nyong'o is truly heartbreaking as Patty. But the film is balanced on the shoulders of Ejiofor, and he carries the film throughout, giving one of the most powerful performances I've ever seen. People really need to see this film.

3. The Wolf of Wall Street

Holy fucking fuck fucks, is this a great fucking movie or fucking what? Did I break their f-word record yet? What? 570 to go? Fuck it. Man, this movie is completely bat shit insane and I loved every second of it. And not because I thought Jordan Belfort or his cronies were cool. On the contrary, I thought they were pompous assholes who got off by ruining peoples lives. The reason I loved this movie was because it was satire at its finest. If you walk out of The Wolf of Wall Street thinking that any of these characters was cool, or that their lives seemed awesome, then I have news for you: you might be a garbage human being.

Martin Scorsese crafts a movie, that I think, people will hold among some of his best work. There's a real energy that never makes it feel like you're sitting and watching a three hour movie. The pace is break neck fast, and the script is fantastic. Terrence Winter gives you a real sense of what some of these people must have been like. Also, why are people surprised there's a lot of swearing and nudity in this? Winter is also the head writer and show runner of Boardwalk Empire. Of course, a Scorsese film is never complete without a ton of wonderful actors in supporting roles, and there's no exception here. From Rob Reiner, to Kyle Chandler (Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!), to Jean Dujardin to Jon Beranthal, to Matthew McConaughey, in possibly my favourte scene all year, the supporting cast is great. 

This movie should also launch the career of Margot Robbie, who is fantastic as Belfort's wife, giving a fearless performance. And we have to look at Jonah Hill, because this is the best performance of his career, and proves that he's ready to be considered a real dramatic actor. However, the whole film wouldn't work without Leonardo DiCaprio giving the best performance of his career, and, what I consider to be, one of the best comedic performances of the last five years. The movie hinges on him going for it, and he does all the way. Now let's all go snort cocaine, jerk off and beat our chests while humming. Or maybe just the last two.

2. Her

So, I remember when I saw the trailer for Her and thought I'd rather not see a movie about a guy falling in love with his phone. I've seen the Terminator. This is how it starts. YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE SKYNET. But then I sat down to watch this film, and was blown away. I could have honestly made this my top film and had no regrets about it, because it's truly wonderful. I'm not crazy about Spike Jonze like a lot of film people are, and I really disliked Where The Wild Things Are, so I was hesitant. However, I was wrong. It's an honest look at a real person. An introverted, down-on-his-luck romantic who connects to someone who understands him and makes him happy. 

A lot of kudos have to go to Spike Jonze for creating a slightly futuristic world that seems real, and for a script that absolutely nails what loving someone is about. The supporting cast is fantastic, with Chris Pratt, Rooney Mara and Olivia Wilde showing up for, what are essentially, fantastic extended cameos, and Amy Adams giving a strong performance as the main characters best friend. However, it's the completely believable relationship between Joaquin Phoenix's Theodore Twombly and Scarlett Johansson's Samantha that carries this film. 

For all those people who bag on Scarlett for just being a bombshell, watch her performances this year and tell me she isn't an incredibly talented actress, because she plays Samantha so perfectly that we understand how Theodore falls in love with her. And credit Phoenix for giving a performance unlike his usual, because Theodore is kind, sweet and soft spoken and we just want him to be happy. Don't cry damn it. Just hold it together two more.. fuck it, I'm a man, I'll cry if I want to.

1. Inside Llewyn Davis

A Coen Brothers film is my favourite film of 2013, what a surprise right? In all honesty, it was to me a little bit, not because I didn't think I'd like it though. Far from that, actually; I expected I would like it. I didn't realize how much I'd love it. There's something so whimsical yet harshly somber about Llewyn's life and the world he lives in. There is a revolving door of faces in his life, most notably played to note perfection by Justin Timberlake, John Goodman, Garrett Hedlund, Adam Driver, F. Murray Abraham and Carey Mulligan. They're all great in small roles, but let's forget those potato faces and focus on the real stars of the film: The Coens and Oscar Isaac. 

Whenever you go into a Coen Brothers movie, you expect a level excellence, and they deliver some of their finest work here. The script and dialogue crackle, the characters are interesting and hold our attention and, most importantly, they all feel real. This is, in large part, due to the phenomenal performance from Oscar Isaac. So basically he's a fantastic actor, he's got old school good looks, and he's a great singer too? Well fuck you too, this is why I can't have nice things. It's a testament to how good the films and performances were in 2013 that this won't be cleaning up at the Oscars. Any other year, we'd be looking at Oscar winner Oscar Isaac.

But we can't talk about Inside Llewyn Davis without discussing how great all the songs in the film are. The songs help to tell Llewyn's story, and his journey, as well as allowing the audiences moments of comfort through the songs, without ever copping out and offering some kind of cathartic moment. Llewyn lives a difficult life, and they never shy away from showing you that greatness is not possible for everyone, despite a glimmer of hope every so often.

There we go. There's the top ten of 2013. That was fun. I wrote way too fucking much. Whatever. How did you like that? Just okay? Yup, that's about right.

Hamza's Top Ten Films of 2013 (10-6)

With the Oscars coming up fairly soon, and having seen the films from 2013 that I really wanted to see, I figured it was time to make a top ten list. These are my favourite films from the past year, and had some connection with me. Yeah, I'll probably highlight the performances in most of them, but whatever. Anyways, here's the first half of the list. Enjoy numbers ten through six.

10. Short Term 12

Short Term 12 is a movie I've been wanting to see for some time. I knew that it would be a very personal film, one that tells a strong story, and one that would get the water works going. So deciding to watch it on a flight clearly shows how much I care about the people around me. Moments in this film made me a blubbering mess, and really allowed me to connect with the characters. Yeah, I know I cry watching most movies. But I cried a lot watching this one.

Written and directed by Dustin Cretton, who also putted the same duties on the short film that this is based on. The short film 12 this is based on? Anyways, he guides a watchful hand over this film, and it often feels like we just a fly on the wall of real people in a room together. The characters are authentic, and the conversations never feel forced, which is a much bigger deal than you'd think. It boasts a supporting cast of unknowns, and this works well as the whole cast is fantastic. Rami Malek, Alex Calloway, Kevin Hernandez, Stephanie Beatriz, Kaitlyn Dever and Keith Stanfield all do great work, with Dever and Stanfield being the stand outs of the young cast. Both have very real stories, and give performances that compliment that.

John Gallagher Jr. is also very strong, showing the same lovability that he has on The Newsroom, but gives the character depth and emotion that indicates why he's loved on Broadway. One particular scene at a dinner will leave a big lump in your throat. However, the star of the film is Brie Larson, who owns the screen every second she's there. This is the kind of performance that deserves everyone to see it, though no one will. Larson gives you a character that is funny, fun, smart, charming and damaged all at once, and never lets it sink into a performance, letting the character live through her.

9. Fruitvale Station

Fruitvale Station starts in an incredibly jarring way; it shows you cellphone video of the real shooting of Oscar Grant, whose final 24 hour are the basis for the film. Going into the film with the knowledge of Oscar's fate makes it all the more heartbreaking, seeing a representation of Oscar that shows he is a human being. They don't paint him as some fallen saint, nor do they try to pass him off as someone who had what was coming to them. That's where the strength of Fruitvale Station lies.

Told by first time director Ryan Coogler, the film is told a relatively fast pace, but knows when to slow down to enjoy a moment or emphasize a point. Oscar is just a kid trying to get his life back together, and the tragedy of the situation, is that what happened to him, could have happened to so many others in that area. It also does a good job not necessarily painting the transit police who shot Oscar as villains, but simply as guys who got too caught up in their job, made a mistake and quickly lost control of the situation. Strong work comes from the supporting cast, with Melonie Diaz and Octavia Spencer, in particular, putting in great work. I'd never seen Diaz in anything before this, and she owns the screen whenever she is on it. And Spencer gives her best performance as Oscar's long suffering mother. Her reaction to the shooting will make sure there isn't a dry eye left.

The film focuses on Oscar though, and Michael B. Jordan brings such life and energy to a role that come have, often times, come across as forced. Jordan is an actor poised for a breakout, having done strong work in Chronicle and Friday Night Lights before, and is no stranger to being heartbreaking, having played Wallace on The Wire. But the performance he gives here is one that shows the maturity of the performer, and gives depth to someone so young forced to become a man.

8. Rush

Of all the films on this list, Rush is probably the most like a popcorn flick of the bunch. But god damn if it doesn't do it well. I want to preface it by saying, I don't give a fuck about racing, but any time you can make a movie about something typically uninteresting to me entertaining, then I will sit and enjoy. It's the same thing Warrior did a couple years ago. This is another story about attractive people doing things and succeeding. But that's okay, because they can't help being beautiful, just like the Canucks can't help getting thrown out of games. 

With Ron Howard directing, there is an air of uncertainty, because yes, he's a brilliant director when he wants to be. The problem, is that he doesn't always want to be. He's directed films like Apollo 13, Cinderella Man and, my favourite, Frost/Nixon. But he's also done Angels & Demons, Edtv and The Dilemma. Luckily, with Rush he is in top form, delivering a film about two rival racers who are most alike than they realize, and will risk their lives every day to achieve success. Howard's direction makes the film flow effortlessly, with gorgeous cinematography and a beautiful score, making it even a treat just to look at. Also strong supporting performances come from Olivia Wilde, Christian McKay, Alexandra Maria Lara, Pierfrancesco Favino.

However, the film is placed on the shoulders of leads Chris Hemsworth and Daniel Bruhl, who both give career best performances. Hemsworth proves that he's more than just the pretty face that plays Thor, giving a portrayal of a man who will do anything to win, even if it causes harm to himself. He's able to run with the playboy attitude of James Hunt, and show you a man who believes he is the best, but acknowledges how good his counterpart is. However, the biggest surprise comes from Daniel Bruhl, who gives a career making performance as Nikki Lauda, Hunt's Austrian rival whose will to win matches Hunt's, and gives the complex performance needed to make us root for him. He should have been nominated for an Oscar. Once again, fucketh thee Academy. Also, the band Rush is never featured in this film, so false advertising, I guess.

7. American Hustle

I want to start by saying, the fact that American Hustle is at #7, does not make it a bad movie in any regard. I love this movie a lot, but can't justify putting it any higher on the list. I tend to love David O. Russell movies, with the likes of Three Kings and, last years, Silver Linings Playbook holding special places in my heart. The best thing that American Hustle has going for it is that pedigree it holds, with a brilliant cast and a great director at the helm. Yeah, the pace is a bit all over the place, but god damn, I could watch gorgeous actors with stupid hair all day.

The movie has a smart script that features constantly interesting characters, and knows exactly what it is. It knows when the comedy needs to come out, and when its time to settle down and focus on the real fucked up nature of the characters. The best part of the film is the performances, with smaller supporting performances still coming across strong from Michael Pena, Robert DeNiro, Shea Whigham, Jack Huston (RIP Harrow), and Louis CK. Someone tell me the fucking end of the ice fishing story. On second thought, don't. I like it better this way.

However, the movie is really at the mercy of the five actors it follows. Jeremy Renner gives one of his best performances in a long time, along with Jennifer Lawrence, who plays a fairly unlikable character, and gives a performance that doesn't quite match up to the level we expect from her. Amy Adams is her typically reliable self, and Bradley Cooper plays a self-obsessed FBI agent with such a sleazy disposition. But let's give it up to Fat Christian Bale. I could watch Fat Bale do things all day. I think his commitment to obesity helps the movie greatly. Also, can we remake Batman with Fat Bale? It would explain why Batman's always out of breathe.

6. Lone Survivor

Going into Lone Survivor I had fairly managed expectations. I'm not the biggest Marky Mark fan, nor do I really like Peter Berg outside of Friday Night Lights (the show and the movie), but the tale of a true story intrigued me. However with a supporting cast that featured Emile Hirsch and Taylor Kitsch (two guys I've never been big on), the lone bright spot for me was Ben Foster, who I have the biggest fucking talent man crush on. I'd fuck his acting ability all night. The other hesitancy I had seeing this, was I was afraid Berg would turn it into a giant jerk off of the armed services, patriotism and America, as an idea. Because I seriously think Peter Berg wants to slide it into patriotism and whisper sweet nothings into America's ear.

However the movie I saw blew my expectations out of the water. The true story of Marcus Luttrell is harrowing, and powerful, and features career best performances from the four leads. Emile Hirsch proves the hype that was about him all those years ago has merit, while it finally makes sense why Hollywood wants to turn Taylor Kitsch into a big star. Both actors are great to watch, and are completely believable in these roles. Wahlberg is great as well, in a role that strips away his usual tough guy approach. But we have to highlight Ben Foster, who is just intensely likable and makes his performance come across as effortless. He has one particular line that he delivers with heartbreaking authenticity that stayed with me the whole movie.

The craziest thing about this movie is that we see these soldiers go through hell, getting shot, falls down cliffs and smashing into trees, and the way that Berg shoots it, making sure the actors faces are visible, makes it all the harder the watch. And the fact that he, apparently, stayed faithful to the actual reports is amazing. It's a movie that is visceral, brutal and incredibly real. But can we seriously change the title. Or call it "Spoiler alert: Lone Survivor". Because right now, the title is the equivalent to most horror movies being called "The Only Actor You Know Is The One That Lives".

There you have it. I know this article wasn't filled with jokes or a ton of humour, but that'll come eventually. Just like your mom. Nomsayn? Anyways, next up will be the top five of 2013. So stay tuned shortly for that list.

Casting The Justice League Movie - The Flash

So with the news that the Justice League movie will be shot back to back with Man of Steel 2, which starts shooting in March, and the recent casting announcements involving Edgar Wright's Ant-Man movie, I thought it would be fun to look at which actors would be the best fit for men in tights fighting crime. Though the core heroes of the story are not known, we do know that Henry Cavill, who has the best jawline is recent cinema history, will be back as Superman. Ben Affleck will join him as Batman. "I'M THE DAHK KNIGHT! WE NEED TAH STAWP THE RIDDLAH, HE'S WICKED SMAHT!" And finally, Gal Gadot will bring her fine self to the role of Wonder Woman. Incidentally, I have a boner now. Anyways, I'm going to try to cast The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter. Since his standalone movie has been pushed back a year, I thought I'd start with The Flash.

The Flash

With The Flash being an integral part of the Justice League, and a fan favourite character, it's really important that DC gets the casting right here. Personally, I think they made a mistake not locking up Bradley Cooper when he was clearly trying really hard to be in a comic book movie, but now Marvel's got him playing Rocket Raccoon so fuck it. Anyways, before I start, he's a brief bio on The Flash, stolen directly from wikipedia because I will not dance this sick monkey dance:

"The Flash is a name of a fictional comic book superhero from the DC Comics universe. Created by writer Gardner Fox and artist Harry Lampert, the original Flash first appeared in Flash Comics #1 (January 1940). Nicknamed the Scarlet Speedster and the "Crimson Comet" all incarnations of the Flash possess "super-speed", which includes the ability to run and move extremely fast, use superhuman reflexes and seemingly violate certain laws of physics. Thus far, four different characters—each of whom somehow gained the power of "super-speed"—have assumed the identity of the Flash: Jay Garrick (1940–present), Barry Allen (1956–1985, 2008–present), Wally West (1986–2006, 2007–2012), and Bart Allen (2006–2007, 2009–present). Before Wally and Bart's ascension to the mantle of the Flash, they were both Flash protégés under the same name Kid Flash."

Chris Pine

I know some people will probably groan over Chris Pine's inclusion into this list, and most women who see his picture will become rapidly pregnant. But Pine is very much what DC needs right now; a talented actor, on the cusp of attaining A-list leading man status. He's got charisma to spare and his interpretation of James T. Kirk in Star Trek is perfect for The Scarlet Speedster. He's an actor who is comfortable in an ensemble, and has fairly good comedic chops. Think of picking Pine exactly what Marvel did when they cast Chris Evans in Captain America. Plus, he's so dreamy. Look at him keeping that secret locked up behind that finger.

Ben Foster

Ben Foster may be the best kept secret in Hollywood. He's an amazing character actor, who can go from indie film darling to big budget action hero in a single year (just watch Ain't Them Body Saints and Lone Survivor to him prove this point), and he's also got the looks and ability to be a Hollywood leading man. Now, you're probably asking yourself, if he has everything I say he does, why isn't he a big star yet? I think it's probably because he doesn't care. It's this kind of commitment to craft that makes Ben Foster a prime candidate for any movie. Fuck it, let's make him all the characters and call it a day.

Aaron Paul

Like Chris Pine (above), Aaron Paul is an actor on the cusp of A-list leading man status. While many people will always remember Breaking Bad for Bryan Cranston's iconic performance as Walter White, it was Paul's Jesse Pinkman who was the heart and soul of that show. With Breaking Bad now over, and Paul set to break out into feature films, DC would be wise to lock him up. He's quite possibly the best actor on this list, is constantly captivating and not afraid to be let other actors shine in his presence. He's also so god damn good at crying. I know that has nothing to do with The Flash, but damn, he can get a good man tear going. He's also coming out with Need For Speed in a couple months. Hopefully he wants to bring that speed to DC. Bitch.

Justin Timberlake

Who is this indie star I seemed to have plucked from obscurity? Only the best entertainer in the world right now. In the whole fucking world, guys. Get serious. But why would Mr. Jessica Biel be good to play The Flash? Honestly, he's the most Flash like actor on this list. He's got the perfect look, is a consistent performer, a decent actor and, if you've seen any time he's been on Saturday Night Live, he's one funny motherfucker. He's not quite an actor who can carry his own movie, and is probably the weakest actor on this list, but there's something about Timberlake that makes me think he could be a great Flash. But seriously, remember when JT thought he was black? Ahhh, memories.

Joel Edgerton

Joel Edgerton is most likely the least well known actor on this list, which is a fucking shame, cause this guy can act. For those of you going "Where do I know this guy from?" he played Brendan Conlon in the movie Warrior, opposite Tom Hardy, so you know he can handle the physical preparation needed for a role like this. Edgerton is one of those character actors who constantly gives fantastic performances, getting major notice for his performance in the Australian film Animal Kingdom which had many people talking Oscar for him. It didn't happen because the Academy doesn't know how to recognize talent, but he got the Aussie equivalent to the Oscar, so it worked out.The only thing that would work against him is the fact that, at 39, he might be too old for the part. Speaking of the Academy, how the fuck do Bradley Cooper and Jonah Hill both have more Oscar nominations than Gary Oldman?

Well that's it for The Flash. Let me know if you agree or disagree with the choices I made. If you think one of them is way too wrong, write it down, let me know, then shut the fuck up because it's my list. Go start your own movie blog. Up next I'll be doing Green Lantern, because it'll be a cold day in hell before Ryan Reynolds gets to destroy anymore beloved comic book character (I'm looking at you Deadpool in X-Men Origins).

Oscars: Making My Final Predictions

by Hamza Zain

As some of you may know, the Golden Globes just happened, and the Oscars are right around the corner. I knew this, because, clearly, I focus on the important things in the world. The official nominations will be out Thursday morning, so I figured it's time for me to see who I think will get nominated. If I'm right, I shall be heralded as the next saviour of the human race, and placed upon a golden pedestal for peasants to grovel at my feet. And if I'm wrong, then whatever, it's all fixed anyways. Art is a lie. Illuminati. Your mom.

Best Picture

This is a tough category to predict, mostly because the nominations can range anywhere from five to ten movies based on how the votes get distributed. So I'll name the ten I think will get in, though it'll probably be nine movies in the end. I didn't get into this business to do math okay?  I have a feeling Inside Llewyn Davis won't make it in the end, anyways. Probably punishment for the Coens not ending No Country for Old Men properly. YES I'M STILL MAD.

Chiwetel Ejiofor in 12 Years A Slave

12 Years A Slave 

American Hustle

Her

Gravity

Dallas Buyers Club

Captain Phillips

The Wolf of Wall Street

Saving Mr. Banks

Nebraska

Inside Llewyn Davis

Best Director

Fuck, you know it's been a good year for directors when Alexander Payne, Martin Scorsese and the Coen Brothers are underdogs to get nominations. But the directors who get nominated this year will all be deserving, unlike that Beast of the Southern Wild dogshit. "Let's nominate a guy who films a small black girl with an afro for two hours. Fuck you Daredevil!" The only real way the Academy could screw this up is if they decided to nominate Ben Affleck this year. "THE DAHK KNIGHTS GOHT AN OSCAH NOW GAWTHAM"

A scene from Gravity

Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity)

David O'Russell (American Hustle)

Steve McQueen (12 Years A Slave)

Spike Jonze (Her)

Paul Greengrass (Captain Phillips)

Best Actor

It's looking like this is pretty much decided, with the only fringe pick being DiCaprio, instead of Redford, Oscar Isaac or Fat Bale. But let's look at the story of Wooderson. So four years ago, nobody wanted anything to do with Matthew McConaughey. He was a washed up romantic comedy actor, who was clearly getting used to cashing in big pay days. Then he did something unexpected. He turned down $15 million to star Magnum P.I., and decided to get that 'fuck you' indie movie money. Which is nothing. Seriously. Indie actors don't make much, compared to the big stars. Well, they make a lot compared to normal people. Like, they are still pretty rich. We look like scum to them. No, Channing Tatum doesn't know who you are, even if he's favourited one of your tweets.

Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club

Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Bruce Dern (Nebraska)

Tom Hanks (Captain Phillips)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years A Slave)

Best Actress

Ever since Meryl Streep self campaigned herself to an Oscar win for The Iron Lady, I have not been a big fan. And seriously, bitch doesn't need anymore Oscar losses. She isn't winning this year either. The Iron Lady, by the way, was the worst sequel to The Iron Giant; she sounded nothing like Vin Diesel. She'll probably end up getting nominated this year though, since August: Osage County looks like the supreme Oscar bait. You could catch a great white with how much bait it's got going on. That great white is John Goodman. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine

Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)

Amy Adams (American Hustle)

Judi Dench (Philomena)

Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Emma Thompson (Saving Mr. Banks)

Best Supporting Actor

Can we give this award to Stanley Tucci's teeth in Catching Fire? Those pearly whites were more distracting than any time they try to give Bruce Willis a hair piece. There's an outside chance Will Forte might sneak in here. Good for him. Still doesn't make MacGruber any less awful. Part of me hopes James Gandolfini can get a nomination here, because any time the same guy who played Tony Soprano can become a giant teddy bear who I just want to hold and comfort, and eat nachos with, then that's a performance. I wonder if the guy from Captain Phillips yells "I am the captain now" during sex.

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club

Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

Barkhadi Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Michael Fassbender (12 Years A Slave)

Daniel Bruhl (Rush)

Bradley Cooper (American Hustle)

Best Supporting Actress

The best supporting should go to Helen Mirren's bra at every award show. Seriously, she's a fox at her age. This is pretty much a two horse race, even though Lupita Nyong'o deserves the damn award. Don't get me wrong; I love Jennifer Lawrence. Some might say almost too much. Yes, I know the rest of the internet and world does too. Back the fuck off, I saw her first. All that being said though, she'll probably end up winning it because she's the perfect woman and we all love her. The bigger upset however is the fact that both Oprah and Julia Roberts will probably get nominated over Sally Hawkins. Oprah should talk to Lee Daniels about directing the Oscars. Then they could be called Lee Daniels' The Oscars.

Lupita Nyong'o in 12 Years A Slave

Lupita Nyong'o (12 Years A Slave)

Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)

June Squibb (Nebraska)

Oprah Winfrey (Lee Daniels' The Butler)

Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)

Well there you have it. All the Oscar predictions. Huh? What about music and animated and the technical categories? You people are monsters. I'll get right on those. Maybe I'll try kale for the first time too. Then I can blow my brains out doing this monkey dance for you needy bastards. I'm going to go watch Sherlock and True Detective again.