What Thor in 'Avengers: Endgame' Helped Me Understand About My Grief

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: ENDGAME. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

I love comic book movies. I love them. I know it’s not a controversial opinion to have in 2019, but I have loved them as long as I can remember. I love the feeling I get when I sit down and get to watch Captain America throw his shield around, or Spider-Man do a flip, or Batman give some no-name thug permanent, life-long brain damage. It’s all a thrill to me. Hell, even that Nickelback song at the end of the first Tobey McGuire Spider-Man gets me where I need to go; that song is a banger and you are wrong if you think otherwise. Also, you are wrong if you feel the need to clap during movies. Or when a plane lands. Get it together, Karen.

This is all to say that I was one of those fans that got their ticket as soon as they could to see Avengers: Endgame; the culmination of an 11 year, 22 film connected universe that felt like it would deliver every big moment that I could imagine a billion dollar company wanting me to have. And I did have all those moments. I had a big, shit eating grin on my face when Captain America got to wield Mjolnir, or when they got everyone back for the final battle, or when Hawkeye got to say a line, because hey, he’s there too and he’s trying his best. What I didn’t expect to see was their characterization of Thor.

When we see Thor in Endgame, he’s driven and motivated to cut Thanos’ head clean off his shoulders. And that’s exactly what he does… in the first 20 minutes of the movie. Then we jump to five years after that event and nothing has changed in the world. Half the population is still dead, and the remaining have to learn to move on. So when we finally reconnect with Thor, he is no longer the chiseled, Viking god that he has been the past decade. No, who we meet is a Thor who is fat, who is drunk, who is broken, and who is defeated in victory. Thor, to me, is one of the best representations of grief and depression I have seen in a major motion picture.

As the movie progresses, several characters make jokes about his weight, or his disheveled look, or his general lack of apathy towards the events occurring around him. He’s a man who has given up, and just accepts that the jabs and jokes are a part of that. We see the hero that would once throw himself into any situation now cowering at the thought of failure. Not trying would be better than the thought of the rejection of failing. Not trying to get back into the fight, not trying to not let the horrible feelings take you, not trying to ask for help from those that care about you. I have been there, and the little things, such as the inability to maintain eye contact, the half smile to reassure someone and the attempt to change topics are all things that, as someone with depression, I have tried to do.

See, the thing that is so interesting to me about Thor in this movie is that, without beating you over the head with it, they show you how much Thor has had to internalize his grief. Not just the grief of not being able to stop Thanos before, but the grief of having to say goodbye to his father, to have his mother die, to see his brother and his best friend die trying to stop Thanos. Thor isn’t just burdened by destiny; he’s burdened by tragedy. And it finally made sense to me why Thor became funnier as the movies went on. He’s using humour to cope with his pain. And that’s when I finally began relating to Thor.

The two scenes that really stuck out to me happen, about, an hour apart from each other. The first is the introduction to depressed Thor, as he is slovenly living in Norway with the remaining Asgardians, playing Fortnite with Meek and Korg as he chugs down beers. When Bruce comes to him, it’s initially played for laughs; Thor let himself go and it is funny to see his big belly. Obesity is hilarious, kids. As Bruce tries and tries to convince him, Thor brushes him off. Until Bruce mentions Thanos, and we see Thor’s facade break. We see Thor presented with the source of his failure, a reminder of his pain, and we see his vulnerability. He shakes as he speaks, almost at a whisper to his friend, so uncertain if he will be able to help to bring those they lost back, and whether he would be strong enough to help them. It’s a scene that establishes his doubt of his own value, despite the insistence of a friend.

The scene that I felt was, for me, the most important scene for Thor was the scene with his mother, Freya. He allows himself, for the first time in this cinematic universe, to acknowledge that he feels weak. That he doesn’t know that he can do what he is supposed to, and that he is not worthy of the title he has. It isn’t until his mother assures him that it’s never been about being who you are supposed to be, but that you need to be who you are, that you see his confidence grow. This culminates with him summoning Mjolnir, and exhaling “I am still worthy.” I don’t know that anyone I was with saw, but this moment had me choking back tears. It was a moment that those who are suffering as Thor was, wanted to call for their own Mjolnir and be able to affirm that they are also worthy.

Thor has always been the superhero, in the Marvel universe, that we all wish we could be. He’s powerful, charming, handsome, wields a massive hammer; you know, a real Chris Hemsworth type. And for the past 10 years, that’s exactly how we have seen him. He’s the one, out of the Avengers, who comes in and wrecks shit when they need the big guns. And, as dope of a character as he is, and as fantastic as Chris Hemsworth is at playing him, he was always the Avenger I had the most trouble relating to. What Endgame did was truly remarkable for this genre of film; it turned a Norse god into a real person.

I joked after the movie that Fat Thor was a way of life; that I felt like I was watching myself. And that felt true. I’ve struggled for over a decade with depression, and seeing the other Avengers poke fun at his weight gain, or his declining appearance, it felt like Marvel was holding up a mirror to me. I’ve struggled with being overweight. I’ve struggled with feeling unbearably ugly. I’ve struggled with feeling useless and not believing in my own worth. And, most importantly to this analysis, I’ve struggled with internalized grief. My younger brother passed when he was 8 and I was 12. Then my grandma and grandpa, who lived with us, soon after. As a 12 year old, I was never really able to process the helplessness behind it, and as a 27 year old now, I still fully don’t. Grief does not define me, but it is a part of who I am. Grief did not define Thor; it became a part of him in moving forward and growing. And my takeaway from this character arc is that Marvel wanted to show us that even the mightiest of us can fall; but we won’t be down for long because we are worthy of our own greatness.

Swiss Army Man (2016) Movie Review

Something that I think most regular filmgoers notice is that people, that watch films casually, will often bring up how Hollywood is all remakes and superhero movies. They often complain that there isn’t any originality left in Hollywood, and that cinema is dying because of it. Why? Because people are fucking stupid. The problem isn’t that there isn’t original content; the problem is that no one bothers seeing or seeking it out. The Nice Guys made a total of $36 million dollars. Hell or High Water has made $24 million. Those are two of the best movies this year. And to follow in line with excellent original films not making much, I decided to watch Swiss Army Man last night.

Hank (Paul Dano) is ready to die. As he makes peace with the decisions in his life, ready to hang himself near the shore, when suddenly he spots a body laying on the beach. Hank runs over, trying to find out if the beached human is dead or alive, when the body begins to fart. Soon enough, we learn maybe it’s not as totally dead as we once thought. It is definitely not alive, but not quite dead, despite not remembering anything about its life before now. That’s how we are introduced to Manny (Daniel Radcliffe). Hank and Manny form a kinship, as Hank tries to help Manny remember who he is, which in turn helps Hank learn more about himself, all while they have a cellphone with no service, that has a picture of a mystery woman (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) on it. Together, Hank and Manny search for a way to get each other back home.

So this movie is one of the weirdest movies I’ve seen in some time. And that is very much a compliment of the highest order. Swiss Army Man, the feature film debut from Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert, is a film that is bursting at the seams with originality and flavor. The Daniels, as the trailer labels them, also wrote the film, which gives Manny and Hank two clear voices, allowing us to see the world the film portrays from both views. We get to see the world from the jaded perspective of Hank, who is as much a lost, directionless soul as the rest of us. And we also get to see it from the perspective of Manny, who is learning as he goes. This is aided by the spectacular visuals from Larkin Seiple, who gives the film a uniquely spectacular feel, and the music from Andy Hull and Robert McDowell, which has you humming alone as you enjoy the ride.

However, this film belongs to the two leads. While an actress the caliber of Mary Elizabeth Winstead has a very minor, but crucial part, the film hinges on the chemistry of Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano. Both men are hilarious, while being able to tap into the emotional weight that continuously pushes the film forward. Dano plays Hank as a man, who has never truly grasped any opportunity presented to him in his life, seemingly finding something wrong with every aspect of his life. Dano has carved out a nice career for himself, being a reliable every man in smaller films, while being able to play solid supporting roles in bigger films, such as There Will Be Blood.

While Radcliffe plays Manny as one of the most lovable corpses in film history, always wanting to ask questions, never able to control his thoughts, and getting erect uncontrollably. It’s been nice to see Radcliffe, who is probably the most popular child actor ever, transition into solid adult acting roles with this, Imperium and Kill Your Darlings. He’s shown a range of ability that many might not have predicted from his performances as Harry Potter.

Ultimately, I ended up loving Swiss Army Man. It’s hilarious, heartfelt and poignant which is weird considering one of its leads is a farting corpse. But it just works for me. Truthfully, I may be hyping it up too much, but I implore people to seek this film out.

Grade: A

Suicide Squad (2016) Review

So, I’m a pretty unashamed fan of DC Comics. I’ve loved the characters and story arcs and all things that come with being a comic book fan. Truthfully, despite trying to see every movie with an unbiased approach, I had been hoping that 2016 would be the year that DC put themselves back on the map. Here’s the thing about being a fan of DC comics in a world where Marvel Studios has set the standard for what to expect. It’s like being one of the guys in a Jackass movie; you keep psyching yourself up for something awesome to happen, but you inevitably just end up getting hit really hard in the dick. That’s how Suicide Squad, the latest DC Cinematic Universe film, continuously felt.

In a world where Superman has made himself rival the power of a God, and shown that gods can fall, the government now scrambles to find an answer for if the next Superman isn’t a farm boy with a mother named Martha (WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!) Cue Amanda Waller (Viola Davis), the Head Operator of A.R.G.U.S. and the woman who takes it upon herself to put together a team of super villains who can be coerced into doing the dirty deeds that the good guys can’t quite accomplish. Along with the most badass soldier on the planet, Rick Flag (Joel Kinnaman), Waller brings together Deadshot (Will Smith), Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney), El Diablo (Jay Hernandez), Killer Croc (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), and Enchantress (Cara Delevingne).

Now, this review is going to seem fairly negative... and it is. This is not a good movie. But just know, at the rate that Warner Bros. seems to want to still their nose into every DC movie, people won’t be getting that Cyborg movie they’ve all been begging for. There are a lot of things wrong with the direction these movies seem to be taking.

Suicide Squad clearly aims to give you an anti-hero story in the same vain as Guardians of the Galaxy, but with a much darker tone. The problem instantly is that the film forgets to write their characters as fun or compelling as any of the Guardians cast. Characters in Task Force X, as the government knows them, are merely there to be DC comics character name drops. The most obvious waste of interesting characters comes at the hands of Killer Croc, Katana and Captain Boomerang (though this might be the most charismatic I’ve ever seen Jai Courtney). I’ve been racking my brain, and I still don’t know what they bring to the story.

Also, I find it hilarious how we’ve been hearing about how method and weird Jared Leto has been to find the character of The Joker, when his screen time amounts to the smallest supporting part. And, frankly, I’m not sure if I liked his interpretation of the character. He’s clearly a superb actor, but his Joker feels more like a glorified thug as opposed to the Crown Prince of Crime. The Joker is supposed to feel like a total wildcard. We’re not sure if he’s gonna blow up a hospital or try to tell you a joke. Leto’s Joker just lacks the magic that Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson and Mark Hamill have all brought to the role. I think that Leto needs to get a more substantial shot where he can really sink his teeth into it. Because he does some things excellently, but just doesn't capture you the way those others did.

However, the biggest problems that the movie faces are that it has no idea what it wants to be. The first act tries to set itself apart in its tone and introductions, giving characters a fun little introduction. However, after that, it falls hard into the tropes of being incredibly generic. The jokes that producers clearly felt would get standing ovations completely fall flat, numerous character moments fail to resonate because we have no stakes attached to most of the characters, and the pacing is so sporadic that you’re not sure if there’s something coming after this or if this is the final battle. Writer and director David Ayer, whose previous films include End of Watch and Fury, clearly either had to compromise a lot on his vision for these characters or had no god damn idea what he was doing with this property.

Now, there are a few things I enjoyed about the film, before I end this review. Will Smith, Viola Davis and Margot Robbie all nail their characters incredibly well, with Smith giving his best performance in some time. He plays Deadshot as a guy who sees being an assassin as a way to provide for those he cares about, and his internal struggle in that regard comes through. Robbie embodies Harley in a great way. Sure, she doesn’t have the accent that we all know Robbie can do, but Harley is fun and unpredictable and loves her Mista J. It’s Davis, however, that fucking nails Amanda Waller. She’s a no nonsense cold ice bitch, and she’d be the first to admit that before blowing your head off, and Davis plays it perfectly. Also, there’s a scene where Deadshot gets to let loose and shit a bunch of guys and it’s probably the highlight of the movie, so that was cool.

Ultimately, Suicide Squad fails because it feels more like a response than a statement. It feels like a response to fans that wanted DC to be more like Marvel, without laying any of the groundwork. The movie tries to be a fun romp, and ends up being a slow walk through a shit stained minefield where you step on every damn mine. That said, it's better than something like Green Lantern. It's just a movie that clearly could have used more time for everyone involved to get it right. While the criticism of a lot of Marvel films may be that most of them do and say the same thing, Suicide Squad shows up and fails to say anything.

Grade: D

Green Room (2016) Movie Review

There are two things in this world I will never really understand: punk music and skinheads. I mean, there are plenty of other things I don’t understand, like wearing black on a hot summer day, or why people get so worked up about Pokemon Go. It’s a game, so get over it you mouth breathers. Who cares if you play it and who cares if you don’t? But, anyways, the two former examples are worlds I have never ventured into, for obvious reasons. Punk music because I’m a big hip hop (and Broadway) fan. And skinheads for obvious reasons (I have fantastic hair). But what if they overlapped? What if both carried the implications of an outcast lifestyle and misunderstood ideologies? Those are at the heart of Green Room, Jeremy Saulnier’s latest dark, pulpy grunge feature.

When Pat (Anton Yelchin), Reece (Joe Cole), Sam (Alia Shawkat), Tiger (Callum Turner), and Tad (David W. Thompson) drive many miles to play a defunct punk show in an empty scene, they are given a make up show at a small venue out of the way. Pay is good, decent stage time, but the catch is that it’s for a crowd full of skinheads and Nazi sympathizers. Once their set is over, they want to make a quick exit, but being in the wrong place at the wrong time means they see the dead body of a young associated with the headlining act, leading to a stand off with the head of the skinheads, a calculated coldblooded man named Darcy (Patrick Stewart). It’s the cult of personality versus the cult of fascism in the showdown we’ve all been waiting for.

The whole cast of this film is pretty excellent, but special notice has to be given to Anton Yelchin, Patrick Stewart and Macon Blair, who was the lead in Saulnier’s previous film Blue Ruin. The three actors give excellent performances and are able to convey a lot in seemingly few gestures. Similarly, the rest of the cast, with the likes of Imogen Poots and Mark Webber, who you may remember from Scott Pilgrim Versus The World, are also able to add to the suspense, drama and carnage that unfolds.

Majority of the credit has to go to writer and direct Jeremy Saulnier, however, as he crafts a brutal and gritty film that really puts a boot to your throat and dares you to try and breathe. A wonderful tension is created that continues to heighten as the film progresses, making you wonder how close to reality this film world really is. A special shout out has to go to the effects department, because the level of gore and violence is deafening and brutal without ever becoming over the top or cartoonish, more akin to Steven Soderbergh and less Quentin Tarantino.

Ultimately, what makes Green Room work is the ability to craft a tension heightening story, with elements of extremism, while still managing to stay grounded within the reality of the real world. This is a movie you should seek out if you enjoy movies that make your butthole super tense. Yes, that is the best way I can describe it to you.

Grade: A