Oscars: Making My Final Predictions

by Hamza Zain

As some of you may know, the Golden Globes just happened, and the Oscars are right around the corner. I knew this, because, clearly, I focus on the important things in the world. The official nominations will be out Thursday morning, so I figured it's time for me to see who I think will get nominated. If I'm right, I shall be heralded as the next saviour of the human race, and placed upon a golden pedestal for peasants to grovel at my feet. And if I'm wrong, then whatever, it's all fixed anyways. Art is a lie. Illuminati. Your mom.

Best Picture

This is a tough category to predict, mostly because the nominations can range anywhere from five to ten movies based on how the votes get distributed. So I'll name the ten I think will get in, though it'll probably be nine movies in the end. I didn't get into this business to do math okay?  I have a feeling Inside Llewyn Davis won't make it in the end, anyways. Probably punishment for the Coens not ending No Country for Old Men properly. YES I'M STILL MAD.

Chiwetel Ejiofor in 12 Years A Slave

12 Years A Slave 

American Hustle

Her

Gravity

Dallas Buyers Club

Captain Phillips

The Wolf of Wall Street

Saving Mr. Banks

Nebraska

Inside Llewyn Davis

Best Director

Fuck, you know it's been a good year for directors when Alexander Payne, Martin Scorsese and the Coen Brothers are underdogs to get nominations. But the directors who get nominated this year will all be deserving, unlike that Beast of the Southern Wild dogshit. "Let's nominate a guy who films a small black girl with an afro for two hours. Fuck you Daredevil!" The only real way the Academy could screw this up is if they decided to nominate Ben Affleck this year. "THE DAHK KNIGHTS GOHT AN OSCAH NOW GAWTHAM"

A scene from Gravity

Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity)

David O'Russell (American Hustle)

Steve McQueen (12 Years A Slave)

Spike Jonze (Her)

Paul Greengrass (Captain Phillips)

Best Actor

It's looking like this is pretty much decided, with the only fringe pick being DiCaprio, instead of Redford, Oscar Isaac or Fat Bale. But let's look at the story of Wooderson. So four years ago, nobody wanted anything to do with Matthew McConaughey. He was a washed up romantic comedy actor, who was clearly getting used to cashing in big pay days. Then he did something unexpected. He turned down $15 million to star Magnum P.I., and decided to get that 'fuck you' indie movie money. Which is nothing. Seriously. Indie actors don't make much, compared to the big stars. Well, they make a lot compared to normal people. Like, they are still pretty rich. We look like scum to them. No, Channing Tatum doesn't know who you are, even if he's favourited one of your tweets.

Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club

Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Bruce Dern (Nebraska)

Tom Hanks (Captain Phillips)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years A Slave)

Best Actress

Ever since Meryl Streep self campaigned herself to an Oscar win for The Iron Lady, I have not been a big fan. And seriously, bitch doesn't need anymore Oscar losses. She isn't winning this year either. The Iron Lady, by the way, was the worst sequel to The Iron Giant; she sounded nothing like Vin Diesel. She'll probably end up getting nominated this year though, since August: Osage County looks like the supreme Oscar bait. You could catch a great white with how much bait it's got going on. That great white is John Goodman. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine

Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)

Amy Adams (American Hustle)

Judi Dench (Philomena)

Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Emma Thompson (Saving Mr. Banks)

Best Supporting Actor

Can we give this award to Stanley Tucci's teeth in Catching Fire? Those pearly whites were more distracting than any time they try to give Bruce Willis a hair piece. There's an outside chance Will Forte might sneak in here. Good for him. Still doesn't make MacGruber any less awful. Part of me hopes James Gandolfini can get a nomination here, because any time the same guy who played Tony Soprano can become a giant teddy bear who I just want to hold and comfort, and eat nachos with, then that's a performance. I wonder if the guy from Captain Phillips yells "I am the captain now" during sex.

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club

Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

Barkhadi Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Michael Fassbender (12 Years A Slave)

Daniel Bruhl (Rush)

Bradley Cooper (American Hustle)

Best Supporting Actress

The best supporting should go to Helen Mirren's bra at every award show. Seriously, she's a fox at her age. This is pretty much a two horse race, even though Lupita Nyong'o deserves the damn award. Don't get me wrong; I love Jennifer Lawrence. Some might say almost too much. Yes, I know the rest of the internet and world does too. Back the fuck off, I saw her first. All that being said though, she'll probably end up winning it because she's the perfect woman and we all love her. The bigger upset however is the fact that both Oprah and Julia Roberts will probably get nominated over Sally Hawkins. Oprah should talk to Lee Daniels about directing the Oscars. Then they could be called Lee Daniels' The Oscars.

Lupita Nyong'o in 12 Years A Slave

Lupita Nyong'o (12 Years A Slave)

Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)

June Squibb (Nebraska)

Oprah Winfrey (Lee Daniels' The Butler)

Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)

Well there you have it. All the Oscar predictions. Huh? What about music and animated and the technical categories? You people are monsters. I'll get right on those. Maybe I'll try kale for the first time too. Then I can blow my brains out doing this monkey dance for you needy bastards. I'm going to go watch Sherlock and True Detective again.